Long Distance Coaching When Mother Knows Best

It's a small note card, very likely bought in a local card shop, but the writing on the inside of the card is something I will cherish forever - "Gezil, I love you more every day." It was written by my mother and I just found the note in a box of keepsakes she kept in the bottom of her bedroom closet. I will keep the card on my desk to remind me of my Mother's love and how words can soften the heart.

My mother died in October and I miss the opportunity to hear her speak these words to me. She was such a master of small talk. Or at least she thought she was. I always let my Mother think everything she said had great meaning. She was very well read - she had two or three books going at the same time. She often passed on to me something she read in a book and captured it as if was her own original work. I realize I do the same thing with my daughter.

I also continue the tradition of small talk with my own daughter, Beth, today. One of my greatest pleasures is the weekly chatterbox phone calls I now have with her. They are deepened through long pauses of consideration and delicious with laughter. It is a long distance mother-daughter relationship as I recently moved out of state to start a new job. And, as my daughter reminds me often - she was left behind to carry on her maturing as a wife and mother without any personal one-to-one coaching from her own mother. She is traveling her journey to full womanhood, solo. And now, after my mother's death, I too am traveling solo as I finish out my journey.

Long distance, Beth and I cover all the bases that mother and daughter are drawn to. I cherish the new low rates of my long distance provider as Beth and I no longer fret about the cost of the minutes we wile away.

But a call from my daughter last week turned me cold - she was sobbing on the voice mail message she left on my cell phone. I imagined all of the most dreadful possibilities, and when I returned her call, the culprit spilled out.

She was involved in at difficult situation at work. Her supervisor had completed a performance appraisal that indicated Beth was lacking in her daily work performance. Something just did not add up as Beth had recently been promoted to Master Sales Representative. I was bound to get to the core of it as I have a very low tolerance for anyone who makes my daughter cry. The mother lion draws her claws.

The performance appraisal stated that Beth needed to work on her organizational skills. I could have told them that as I have cleaned her kitchen cabinets more than once. She needed to keep logs of her daily work. This will never come to fruition as my daughter doesn't even keep a grocery list.

She sees nothing wrong with planning dinner around macaroni and cheese and raspberry mousse. And, quite frankly, she can make a dinner come together in record time and satisfy the pallet of most anyone. She cooks from the heart.

Beth's sobbing continued, chunking words together between the tears. I found myself questioning what had happened or how it could have happened. While my daughter truly is a bit of a free spirit, she is highly competent, well respected and a key performer within her organization. She has hit every sales goal imaginable and been recognized for outstanding service to her customers.

I pondered a different reason for this dilemma. I sensed the supervisor may have deficiencies in her own performance and was passing it back to her team - exhibiting leadership to catch the eye of senior management.

As I begin to probe to help my daughter see through to the real issue at hand, I meet with great resistance. I feel a power struggle at hand and wonder "why she called me with this dilemma if she is not receptive to my thoughts." But then, my daughter is the grand champion of resistance. I can attest to this personally as she still does not eat something from all of the major food groups as I have asked her to for years.

I added "uh huh" between the sobbing diatribe of misery surrounding the performance appraisal. I listened to my daughter berate herself, question her abilities and ponder if she would be next on the list of employees who will receive "pink slips."

Finally my turn comes to be the grantor of all wisdom - the mother. I am the thirty year well worn executive with many such challenges under her belt. I can provide my daughter with a resolution that will leave her whole again. I am overtaken with the glorious feeling of power - the master at resolution.

I shared with Beth that she has always known her weaknesses and it is a good time to celebrate all the hard work put into bettering these areas. I encouraged that she recognize her organization skills could use a brush up and work at them every day. A new business log is a grand idea as it will show how well she consistently performs in new business sales. Instead of grieving over the evaluation, set a strategy to acknowledge the concerns so that the supervisor feels empowered.

I suggested that Beth set a time to visit with the supervisor and offer input on how to work together to the benefit of the team and the organization. The supervisor will, of course, appreciate the fact that her wise leadership is acknowledged and she will have a model team to show senior management. We chatted on how to set the tone for the meeting and then I wrapped up.

I am really well known for my wrap ups and generally they leave all parties concerned feeling as if they have just been involved in a very warm, caring role playing environment where everyone wins.

So, I said "Sweetheart, I know you feel less than the marvelous person you really are and the next few days will be difficult, but let me share a great motivational line I heard in a seminar recently." Of course my daughter is hanging on to every word because she knows I invest heavily in personal development each year and the following could easily be worth its weight in gold.

"Honey, I said with a slight pause for effect… "To Thine Own Self Be True."

And my slightly emotionally bruised daughter, also pausing for effect, said, "To Thine Own Self Be True?"… That's from a great motivator you heard at a seminar recently?" "No Mom that was first said in the Bible. And, you know the original motivator of that book!"

Well, as I said earlier, my daughter is the champion of resistance. And, for just this one time, I guess I best agree. It is one heck of a line, but I recognize this is one motivational line I can't take credit for.

My humility is a small price to pay (along with a modest phone bill) to know that tomorrow will be a better day for my daughter through the time we have taken as mother and daughter to work through an everyday, ordinary problem together. It is exactly how my own mother would have handled it!

By: Kristin Woods
www.awomanswrites.com